I’ve been so adamant about blogging daily, I didn’t realize I was doing things backwards. I’m posting ever day, but in the mornings. Now…How can I blog about a day that hasn’t happened yet? So, starting with the next entry, I’ll do it at night. Which means you’ll likely see it the next morning. So…tomorrow night, day 24. No wonder it felt like I was a day ahead of myself all this time. derrrrr.
So, those on twitter, facebook and LJ got to witness a typical LuAnn emotional explosion yesterday when I got the following message from our Rear Detachment commander.
“I have received confirmation that all soldiers have arrived to the FOB safely.There will be no public phones or public internet service available on the FOB for at least one month, so until that time, contact with your soldier will be unavailable or very limited at the most.”
Ouch. It had already been 9 days, now another month. I admit it, I completely broke down. It didn’t help that some jackass kid chose the moments right after that to play “ding dong ditch” with my doorbell. My doorbell doesn’t randomly ring. The kids friends catch them online, or with my oldest via text. So needless to say it was quite a scare. If I ever catch the kid that pulls this stunt he’s going to wish he’d have never seen a doorbell.
Anyhow, I didn’t take it well at all. It felt like I was just punched in the gut actually. So, you know what I did? i wallowed. That’s right I pouted, I wallowed, I left my big girl panties in the drawer and had a fit. I get to do that sometimes. But I’m done now.
This is Monday. It’s another day. It’s time to focus.
“I have received confirmation that all soldiers have arrived to the FOB safely.”
That is the important part. They got there safely. Convoys can be scary, scary things, but they got there safely. Communication is out…so, time to go Old School. out comes the stationary and stamps. Yay for forethought, I had grabbed some on Friday. I figured it had been a week already, I had to communicate SOMEHOW. I have even got new package ideas.
Sports news! No internet means he can’t look it up himself. So I printed out some articles with NFL news I figured he’d be interested in. The next part requires waiting until payday. I have a camera already, but he needs one. I also need one of those handy little photo printers to make 4×6 prints. Each box will contain pictures of random things from home. I might run out of ideas after the kids, me, and the dogs, but we’ll burn that bridge when we cross it.
I’ll have to get him some manly stationary and envelopes. His postage is free, so that eliminates stamps. I’m also going to pre-address the envelopes just to be nice.
The fact is, having calmed down after my emotional storm. Ok STORMS. I’ve had quite a few this last couple weeks, I think I have a handle on it. It’s time to dig out those big girl panties, and get going.
5 Good Things!
1. I now know how long it will be before I hear from him again. This is much better than the last 9 days of wondering.
2. I get to be creative with communications until things are working over there. That gives me something to focus on.
3. I didn’t catch the kid that rang the doorbell. This counts as a good thing, because if I had I’d be in jail.
4. I was inspired to start a Tumblr. It’s a mini blog where I can post pictures, quotes, lyrics that remind me of him, make me happy, whatever. It is a virtual version of the journal the lead actress carried of her mother’s in “A Walk to Remember”. Which by the way is a very sweet movie (and book?) and you should see it.
5. Even long distance, a 5 minute conversation with Miss Lizz can make me see reason and pick me up. Thank you Miss Lizz! And I will as about hole digging the first time I hear from him again!
That’s right, just a picture. I really have nothing to say but hey, the cat is cute, and sums up how I feel at the moment!
5 Good Things Today:
1. Coffee
2. Chocolate…yay Hershey
3. I’m the only one home/awake
4. It’s day 9 since I heard from hubby, and I haven’t killed anyone yet. (gimme a break, trying to find a positive in there)
5. only 5 days til payday?…best I can do!
It’s now been 3 weeks. It’s also Day 8 that I haven’t heard from him. It’s very hard for me to deal with, as it is the longest he’s been out of touch with me in 17 years since we met. Oh sure, he’s been away longer in the 7 years since he joined the army. But he’s never been out of touch this long. I’m trying my best to push through and not let myself think stupid things. I know he wants to get in touch, I can’t let my shaken confidence let me doubt him. He’s never given me reason to in 17 years. It’s amazing what your mind can do to you isn’t it?
So, I’m going to take some advice I Got on Live Journal. Every day list five good things, no matter how silly or trivial. Just five good things about the day. So here goes.
1. My desk is clean!
2. I mailed my letter to him
3. I can get my netbook in a week
4. My friend Brandy is back online!!!
5. I’m drinking coffee from my “Princess” mug.
There, 5 good things about today. It’s a start!
I am completely an utterly frustrated. With deployment, and with myself. Mostly with myself. I have done this before. I did it for a year, and then I kept doing it for an extra four months that I was in no way expecting. I didn’t whine, I didn’t whimper, I handled it, stayed positive and dealt with it like a pro. And it was the FIRST deployment I’d ever experienced. So why am I finding myself turning into this whimpering pile so often this time?? It’s not like I haven’t done this before.
Where the hell is all that confidence I had in round 1? I had it a time or two so far. I had it when I told him “yeah I can handle only hearing from you once a week, it’s ok”. But you know what?? It’s not. Clearly I have to live with it, but I do not have to think it’s OK. I just don’t. And noone can make me. I feel like I should stomp my feet at the end of that sentence.
I’m sorry if you’re reading this, and expecting some inspirational, positive sister Mary sunshine, rainbows and puppies and yellow ribbons tome of positive thoughts and wisdom. You’re going to be disappointed. Hell I am. But I swore that if I was going to blog this deployment, it was going to be honest. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Well welcome to bad and ugly.
I’m on day 7 since the last time I spoke with my husband. And I know damned well as soon as that phone rings and it IS him, I’m going to do a complete 180 and be all happy cheery joy joy all over again. But for right now, all the worry, and fear I have pushed away since the last call has surfaced again. I’ve had to have the kids warn me if their friends are going to ring the doorbell. I live in fear of that particular sound.
Noone that doesn’t live this life can possibly grasp how upside down everything gets turned for the spouse and children of a deployed soldier. My kids adjust wonderfully, they amaze me even when they drive me up the wall.
Maybe it’s age. Maybe I’m older, and therefore more resistant to having everything around me change now. Want to roll over in the middle of the night and cuddle? Sorry, just a pillow there, or if I’m lucky, one of the dogs. Want someone else to take the dogs out just ONCE…sorry, no dice. Want to actually fall asleep before midnight? nope, you can’t because you don’t know that he’s OK unless midnight passes without a phone call or visit from the army. Want the security of knowing that if you get sick, or injured someone is here to care for your kids? Nope! Can’t have it. Dryer vent hose fell off? Too bad, grow some muscle and fix it yourself. Want to ask him where the car registration is? Hurry up and wait.
I need an attitude adjustment, I know that. I’ll get one…when I’m damned good and ready.
Listening to: Hank Jr – Attitude Adjustment
Mood:
Annoyed
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