Day 107: Staying Positive

 OEF 2009  No Responses »
Nov 022009
 

Sometimes staying positive can be a challenge. Some days it’s such a challenge I wonder if I’m up to it. But I always come around. I just can’t dwell on the negative. It does noone any good. Least of all my Husband. Sure it’s good for him to know I miss him, and hate being without him. But it’s more important for him to NOT be worried about how I’m coping. If he is secure in knowing that I’m going to kick this deployment’s ass, he can go about his job without worrying about home. I think I do pretty well most of the time. It’s a challenge to take care of him from a distance but I’ve found a few ways. And since I’ve slacked off on my "5′s" lately. Here’s 5 positive things I do to make HIS life easier/better.

1. When writing letters, I update him on the daily goings on if there are any to report. Which kid got a bad grade, which kid got a stomach bug, which dog crapped in the kitchen (usually HIS dog) that kind of thing. If nothings going on, I go with mushy love letters (so easy to be mushy with him, he brings out the best in me).

2. I’ve started dropping by his facebook and leaving messages. lovey dovey stuff, love songs, cute little graphics, etc. Now that the FOB has an internet cafe set up, he’ll get them. There wasn’t any point before now, but it’s fun.

3. Use my support network. If I need to let loose with a round of whining, or ranting, I have people to text, call, email, IM, etc. I never burden him with it. He knows it happens of course. But he is very much  "fix it" kind of guy, like most guys are. It would only frustrate him to not be able to fix it.

4. I listen. Ok, he’ll tell you himself I talk too much. But I can listen. And I’m lucky, in the fact that he will talk to me about the rough stuff he goes through. I love that he does this. First of all because it’s better that he talk about it now than shoving it all down. And second, because no matter what it is he’s facing over there, I’d rather know the brutal truth of what’s going on around him, than be sheltered from it. I know that might sound strange, but knowing how bad things are leaves me with no surprises. I enjoy listening to him, and it feels good to know he knows I can take it.

5. Boxes! I love sending him things. I keep some things kind of secret so I’m the only one sending that particular thing to him. Selfish, maybe but I’m his wife, I get to have special things with him…lol

I still can’t wait until he is home again. I miss doing things for him, and spoiling him rotten. But for now long distance will have to do. Focusing on making him happy has the wonderful side effect of making me happy. Love is a wonderful thing.

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Days 102 and 103: Dear Media

 OEF 2009  No Responses »
Oct 292009
 

Get a  clue! Or take a lesson from NBC Nightly News.

On Tuesday, our local news on NBC ran a story. Eight soldiers killed in Afghanistan, now here’s the part that makes me mad. FROM FT LEWIS. In the list of things you shouldn’t announce until it’s confirmed, and families are DONE being notified that is a big one. Do you have any idea what that sentence did to me? and likely SEVERAL other families here that heard it? It terrified us!

NBC Nightly news had the respect to NOT mention the brigade, OR even the KIND of unit (local news take note, even just saying "Stryker Brigade" tells us it’s ours…we’re the only damned stryker brigade in that country). They simply said Eight soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. Nothing that would cause the fear that the local news stories did. You see, we don’t get told it wasn’t OUR soldiers, until the families have been notified of their loss. So until we got that email…I was a wreck. I was sick to my stomach, shaking, my anxiety was through the roof. So thank you King 5 news for the most horrible 24 hours of this deployment so far. No idea what the other stations said, I wasn’t watching them. I wouldn’t even have been watching King 5 had I remembered to change the channel at 5:00.

Sometimes getting the story out fast is more detrimental than getting the story out right. The good news is, my husband is ok. The bad news is it was his unit. Again. So while we’re at it…

Dear Mr President,

Please approve that troop surge. The longer you wait, the more dangerous this deployment becomes for our soldiers there. I appreciate that you want to be careful, I do. But the longer you wait, the harder it gets for the guys fighting there that need the support. Including my husband.

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Day 101: Get Out of My FACE!

 OEF 2009  1 Response »
Oct 272009
 

I have been trying all day to write a letter to my husband. All I have gotten written so far is "Hey Babe!". Why? Because it’s pretty damned hard to put a positive spin on anything when all I have is "I’m lonely, I’m scared, I’m tired".

I was doing fine until I got the email that we are having a stress management briefing next week. No, it isn’t what it sounds like. It’s to prepare us for what to expect during R&R. What to expect when our husbands come home after going through what I can only call "hell" for the first few months they were there. I have done a GREAT job of keeping my mind off the worries about PTSD. He didn’t experience any the last time. But the last time was not an experience like this. This is when it hits me, that noone experiences the deployment cycle the way the spouse (or someone that lives with the soldier) does. Noone.

I have it in my face twenty four seven. It’s there when I got to bed, and remember I’m sleeping alone. It’s there when I make dinner and have to remind myself to cook enough for three, not four. To only get three dishes out. It’s there at 5pm sharp when I think I need to get his coffee ready when he gets home. It’s there when I’m upset and need HIM to make me feel better. Sometimes noone else will do. It’s there when things get out of hand with the girls and I have noone there to back me up. It’s there when the phone rings or someone comes to the door and I whisper a prayer before answering.And it’s even there when something really great happens and the one person I want to share it with, I can’t. It’s there for better and worse. It’s like having an invisible force trying it’s best to crush me. It never goes away, I can only do my best to ignore it.

So this notice of the briefing coming up, although I’m grateful we get them, (unlike generations past), just served to remind me that it may not end when he gets home. We that live with a soldier have a worry in the back of our minds, that not only do we worry about living without them, we worry about what living WITH them will be like. Sure people always change during trying times. That isn’t what these briefings are for.  This isn’t about "oh he came home and he’s wanting to take back over". It’s not about Us becoming more independent and them feeling left out. No. The worry is, do they come home having nightmares, flashbacks, depression, anxiety. Is that nice, patient quiet, funny guy going to come back angry, quick to temper, super serious, and suffering.  DRASTIC changes. And I don’t mean I’m worried that it’ll happen. I’m MORE worried I won’t know how to help HIM if it does.

As I said a while back, if it happens we deal with it. But sometimes, I just don’t want the knowledge of "what could be" all up in my face. For now, I have a list of expectations for R&R of my own.

1. He’ll want to eat something besides MRE’s

2. He’ll want to sleep in a real bed.

3. He’ll want to stay asleep in said bed LATE>

4. He’ll want to relax.

5. He’ll want to be with me and the girls.

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Day 100: The Best Day Of My Life

 He and I, OEF 2009  5 Responses »
Oct 262009
 

Yesterday was October 25. And I said when it came I would answer Bre’s Question. So here goes.

October 25, 1991, I was 17 and four days earlier had ended a fairly bad relationship. But in typical "me" fashion, I sucked it up, and got over it. This night, I was hanging out with friends at the mall. In the town we lived in, this was about the only thing us teenagers had to do on weekends. upon arriving, I ran into my best friend Tiffi, and stopped to talk.

Now, There was this guy, Ken, who I’d seen hanging out there almost every weekend for at least the last year. He had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. And he always had a hug for anyone that wanted one. I’d always thought he was hot, but he was always just out of reach. The first and only time we almost got to talk he got kicked out of the mall by an angry mall cop. I was sitting with a group of friends, and Kevin (Who by the way, Ironically enough, is married to my sister in law now!), one of Ken’s friends told him to come sit with us. Unfortunately Mister Mall Cop had just told Ken "and don’t move again!". So when he came to sit right beside me…that asshole threw him out of the mall. I was soooo close, but my chance was snatched away.

But on October 25, 1991 I had my chance. Ken walks up to where Tiffi and I are, and he hugs her, he hugs me, and he stands there one arm around each of us. Tiffi says to him "hey, I’m supposed to hook you up with one of my friends". I, the LEAST forward and flirtatious among my friends, said "How ’bout me??". And Ken, in his typical, laid back, easy going way simply says…"ok". That was it. OK. Tiffi eventually forgave me for hijacking her match making attempt too…thanks Tiff!

We started going out that night, and for the next year. We had our ups and downs, and close calls. But on October 25th 1992, He gave me the surprise of my life. you see, my grandmother had an engagement ring. It was meant to be given to the man I would marry. However, she told me at one point she had sold it.  I was a bit disappointed but I knew she was having a hard time so I understood.

That night, Ken came to my house. He asked me to go put on one of my formal dresses. I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, but did it anyhow. He then led me to my bedroom, put me up on my desk stool. And he turned on some music.  My eyes are closed, as requested, when I hear him ask me to marry him. And I feel something being put on my finger. When I said yes, in tears, I opened my eyes, to see my grandmother’s diamond ring on my finger. I immediately flew  out the door, grabbed the phone, and called my grandmother to tell her what a sneaky old woman she was. That’s when Ken followed me and said he wasn’t done yet! I hung up, and he took me back to my room, where he formally asked me to dance. And this was the song.

 

Three months later, I found out I was pregnant with our first daughter. We were 19, he was working in fast food, we had very little. When he came to my house after work, and I told him I was pregnant…he again reacted with his typical no panic, laid back "ok". He’s always been my rock. Even as young as we were, he’s always been the one to stay calm, and wait for me to stop panicking about something, and we work it out.

Until I met him, I’d never cried out of pure happiness, I didn’t know what love really was. And this may be TMI, but even though I’d lost my virginity a few years before, I didn’t know what all the fuss was about sex. I didn’t understand "making love" until I met him. 18 years later, he still shows me every day what love really is. We’ve been through it all, and nothing has broken us. I still feel like I did 18 years ago, only stronger.

Could I live without him? There’s no way.

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Days 82-97: Just Ugh

 OEF 2009  1 Response »
Oct 232009
 

15 days without blogging. Epic fail there. Things have just been running together like wet paint around here so I’m not even going to try to recap the last 15 days. I’ll settle for this week.

Monday wasn’t bad. It was probably the best day of the whole week. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Oh, I think that’s when my new Mattress was delivered…no wait that was Tuesday.

Tuesday sucked. The youngest kid woke up with a stomach bug. That was just the start of hell week. But my Mattress arrived and it is hella comfy so, I guess it worked out.

Wednesday was a day I just wanted to give back to the week and start over. Kid was still sick, then I found out Hubby was online and I MISSED IT! Thank you for failing to send texts to my cell phone facebook. Really appreciate it. I decided I’d play WoW for a while and try and get my mind off missing that message. Knowing, that it’s going to be another two weeks til he’s anywhere near phones and computers again, this was no easy task. That’s when someone I considered a friend, that we’ve known since we moved here went completely over the edge and destroyed any friendship there was over a simple misunderstanding we had Sunday night in game. Including blaming me for a conversation that never happened in which I refused to apologize and told him that if he said anything to the rest of our guild (In game playing group) I’d kick him out of it. It’s really hard to prove a conversation never took place. I can save conversations in the game, but not one that never took place.

I remember my Grandmother doing this to me, and as much as I admired her, and still do…it was a very scary situation. This brought me right back to that place and I just can’t deal with it. Not with everything else. I apologized for what I DID do wrong, but I refuse to say I’m sorry for something that never happened.  I wish I was the only one this affected, but unfortunately I’m not. It affected everyone who was online playing that night when he attacked me in the public chat area, it affected the smaller group I was working with when I had to leave the group because I was too upset to continue, and it leaves my husband without a ride from the airport when R&R comes around. But he’ll get here, somehow or another, and I’ll meet him at the airport if I have to walk.

The sad thing is, I could have and should have kicked him the minute he started drama in guild chat. That’s my job as an officer, to enforce the rules. But how could I at that point?  If I did, I’d just validate his claim of a nonexistent conversation, if I don’t I’m failing at enforcing the rules. There was no winning decision to make. I just have to go hands off.

So that was Wednesday. Worst day of the week so far. Thursday, Youngest kid still sick so off to the Doc we go. He said it was a tummy bug, I’d done all the right things (light meals, fluids, rest), and since she was now wanting Burger King she was pretty much over it, just get her stomach slowly back to eating normally.

Today…Daisy has a vet appointment. This will be my longest trip yet. I have to drive over to the Air Force base next door. Luckily I can avoid I5 completely. Here’s hoping I don’t get lost, and the scabby thing on her back isn’t anything major.

Fingers Crossed.

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