Thanks my my Sis in Law Lorie’s comment on a facebook status, I have a blog post today! Woot!

How many times a day do you hear "how are you?" and reply "I’m fine thanks, and you?".  But you’re not really fine, you’re stressed, or annoyed, or kind of sad, or all of the above in my case.  Because you know that is what the other person wants to hear.

I think I’ve mentioned it’s part of my "job" to keep my attitude positive, and put on a smile. And that sometimes, I’ll admit, I’m faking it. But why? A random stranger might believe my smile and "I’m fine" but people that KNOW me, they don’t.  Hunny will bust me in a flat second, just by seeing me on webcam from thousands of miles away. Friends and family will catch me just by how I’ve typed something in IM or twitter, even in my blog. And my Mom? Hell, I don’t even TRY to fake it with her.

When he first enlisted, and was set to go to Iraq, alot of the advice I got was to basically "Never let them see you sweat". From FRG meetings to message boards this was the theme. And I bought it for quite a while. I was still subscribed when he left last summer. Part of me still is. I refrain from whining to him, or moaning about how much this sucks alot of the time. Because he knows that. But it’s a load of crap that we should never let them know we’re sad, or lonely, or having a really crappy week. Sometimes, that can backfire right in your face. For example, you do such a good job of faking it, the poor guy thinks it’s easy for you being away from them. That is not good.

But, I found myself faking it here on my blog, on facebook, and at this point, even I don’t buy it anymore. Guess what?? Anyone that knows my husband is deployed, isn’t dumb enough to believe that I never have a bad day, week, month. That led to my post a while back about being honest in this blog and posting about the bad days. You can’t fake happy. You either are or you aren’t. Give yourself and your friends and family some credit. and remember…

It’s OK to be pissed off

It’s ok to be sad

It’s perfectly ok to be in a bad mood.

You can lie to that stranger at the store, and say I’m fine. But don’t lie to yourself. No matter what’s going on in your life. It doesn’t just apply to deployment. And to the Military world, stop encouraging us to fake it, because it doesn’t do anyone any good, and the ones we’re supposed to fake it for….they ain’t buyin it.

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it’s that time of year again. We get out the decorations, families decorate the tree, kids write their letter’s to Santa, parents scurry around hiding presents, and stuffing stockings. You can’t enter a store or turn on a radio without hearing Christmas music.  White Christmas, Blue Christmas. Me, I’m kind of having a green Christmas. I find myself harboring a little jealousy. Not ill intentioned at all. Just a little jealous that, for the most part, aside from added worry about having a family member being deployed, holidays will go on as usual.

The get together on Christmas eve, the visiting, the eating, the baking the cooking, the church services. All of it. This all came to me while I was struggling with rearranging the living room and pseudo-dining room, hauling the tree out of storage, setting it up, wrestling with the lights, tangling with the tinsel, and cleaning up the aftermath. Alone. My oldest hung the ornaments, and we have no tree topper. Why? Because the only person that could get that thing put up there isn’t here, and neither is the rope he uses to tie it. I have to make a trip to the store later and see if I can find one that just sits on it.

Well why don’t you go home for Christmas? That’s a logical question. The fact is, it’s extremely stressful for me to travel. I hate it. Our trip last spring left me with back spasms, my IBS flaring up beyond control the entire time we were there and for a week after we go back. Add having to Kennel both dogs, get cabs to and from the local airport, get three plane tickets, someone to keep an eye on the house and truck, not have constant access to the internet (my main communication with Hunny), and to not let the girls have Christmas at home and winter break with their friends in a time where they already have enough on their plates is just too much.  Both stress related and financially, and we’re trying to save up for Hubby’s bike and our long awaited vacation. Did I mention we’ve never had a vacation in 17 years???

But it’s not about wanting to go back to PA for Christmas, it’s just a little green monster poking his head in. Wishing we’d have our little family of four together this year. Don’t get me wrong, I wish nothing but the best of Holidays to our families back home. And I’m grateful they have each other, and I know even long distance I have them too.

And trust me, there is ALOT of each others. Man his family on both sides is HUGE it’s unbelievable! I’ve been around them for years and my jaw still drops. My family I can count almost one one hand. There are exactly six of them not counting me. And I’ll get over this eventually. And I’m in no way saying their Christmas won’t be tinged with worry for Hunny. Not at all. It’s just a touch of the Holiday Blues, tinged with a bit of green…A nice aquamarine I guess. I just want some "normal" ya know? And I know I’ll have it next year, I just have to be…what’s the word? Pa…pat…patient?

In the meantime, my tree is up, it’s decorated. I didn’t strangle myself with the lights and tinsel. And It’ll stay up until he comes in for R&R. Then he can unwrap the presents that will be waiting for him underneath it. And, help take the sucker down and put the furniture back! HA!

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