I’m not sure if this counts as the first day of deployment or not. I guess it is for us, since he’s no longer at home. They’re doing the long drawn out, report early and wait for the buses thing. Not us though. Hubby rarely asks for anything, and he didn’t really this time, but he did in his special way make his feelings known. Saying we did it right the last time, making it quick. So, I dropped him off, and we came home after our quick goodbyes. I couldn’t have stayed anyhow, my stomach had tied itself in knots. However that’s not keeping me from wishing I could go back, and hold on to him til the bus comes.
Realistically I know that he has a million things he has to do, guys he has to take care of today, and the last thing he needs is to be torn between hangin with me and doing his job, it would be harder on him, the kids, and me. It’s just bugging me a little that I can’t text him or anything, and he’s still on post. We did the right thing for him, for us. I know we did. Sometimes the right thing just hurts a little more than you’d like it to.
The first deployment was so much easier to face. I know, wierd right? You’d think knowing what’s coming would make it easier. That’s not the case for me. The first time around, I didn’t know what was coming. Oh sure, there was the technical side, the briefings, all general information. But I didn’t know how I’d feel. I do now, so the waterworks started a bit faster this time. The part I hate most is second guessing myself. Sitting here thinking how many million ways I could have been a better wife before he left. Trying to hold it together for the kids when all I want to do is stomp my feet and scream it isn’t fair. It isn’t helping that we are still battling evil little bugs on the youngest kid.
Speaking of kids, my oldest daughter went with us this time to say goodbye. I’m so proud of her. Last time she didn’t want to go, and we didn’t force her. But this time she went. I know it was rough. Her boyfriend left a couple days ago to visit family in another state or something for a month, and her Dad left the same week. Pretty tough for a kid her age. She’s a bit moody now, but she did really well.
Any way you look at it, this deployment has begun. All I can do is wait, pray, and suck it up. Work on the goals I set for myself, and work my ass of to be a better wife than the one that dropped him off. I’m not saying I’m not a kick ass awesome wife, but even after 16 years there’s always room for improvement. I just need to get through the next few days, get my routine going, whatever that might be and drive on.
One of my favorite places in the world is an amusement park in PA called Kennywood, and my favorite coaster is the Phantom’s Revenge. One of the key parts of this ride, to me, is that first hill. That’s where you start the ride, slowly, slowly ascending the first incline before dropping in a sharp banking right turn down. That’s where I would like to be right now. Instead I’m experiencing the same effect but without the fun. We are in “D week”. This is the week the Hubby was supposed to deploy. All week we’ve been slowly creeping toward the big day. That is until today. Today, the big day got pushed back a couple days. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to have him home an extra few days. But there’s another side to it. I had accepted the first date as when it would happen. I was ready. I had my head around it. I would drop him off, not staying around to wait for his bus, just drop him off and come home. Rip the bandaid off so to speak. This is what works for us. Finding out it’s now going to be a different day, is like slowly starting to peel that bandaid off the soft skin of your inner arm. You know it’s going to hurt like a bitch by the time it’s over, and just want to get it over with. It’s like my roller coaster car was ALMOST to the top of that big hill, and stopped, and reversed back to halfway up.
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