One shot Dragon Age fanific, Slightly adult. I ran into a wall playing a blood mage romancing Alistair. He mentions blood magic being evil SO many times, it’s all I (she?) could hear echoing in her head. I finally broke through it, and with some advice from the Alistair Gush Thread, had to write it out. Hence this little one shot.
It had been a long day. They had found the Urn of Sacred ashes, and revived Arl Eamon. Jaina and Alistair were in his tent, finally resting. He was saying he loved her, that she was beautiful. He was saying sweet things, tender things, things one says to their lover. But she was hearing something entirely different.
“You let Lady Isolde sacrifice herself? With blood magic? How could you do that?”
“We could have gone to the Circle of Magi! W-we could have tried harder! We should have tried something that didn’t involve blood magic, that’s for sure!”
“How can MORE evil be of any use?”
The way he spat the words ‘Blood Magic’ made her cringe. Surely, he knows that she is a blood mage. A former templar should be able to tell. But if he knew, why would he speak of it with such contempt? To someone he professed to love? He was emotional at the time, it was a hard decision to witness. She understood that. Jaina, allowing Jowan to drain Isolde of her life force to send Jaina herself into the fade. Could they have made it to the tower in time? The demon had devastated the village already. Leaving it…wasn’t much of an option. Should she have killed the boy? He was an innocent. Lady Isolde had offered herself, it was the best option…or she thought it was.
He was touching her, kissing her. She usually enjoyed this. Which still surprised her after what had happened the last time a human man had put his hands on her.
“Knife eared wench, please me” the Arl’s son sneered as he yanked her by the hair, pulling her face towards his exposed nether regions.
Jaina choked off a whimper, and ran from Alistair’s tent, and arms, yanking her robes back into place as she ran to a small clearing behind a stand of trees and sat. She pulled her knees to her chin, trembling as her mind placed Vaughn’s words in Alistair’s mouth, and vice versa until her memories of their previous conversation couldn’t be untangled from her memories of her years before the tower. Memories she had worked so hard to forget. Memories that were slowly being replaced with hope. Their relationship had been steadily growing since the visited the tower. But if he hated blood mages…how could there BE any hope for them?
She heard him approach, and quickly wiped her eyes. As he knelt before her, on one knee, she could see the confusion and concern in his face. She had to tell him. She had to tell him everything. What she is, WHY she is what she is. All of it.
“Come with me” she said, taking his hand. They were camped near Lake Calenhad. This discussion was best done alone. Without the retinue of ears at the camp. She led him down the path to the shore and began.
“Alistair, I…love you. You know that right?” She asked. He nodded, waiting for her to go on.
“You hid your birthright, and for reasons I understand. I understand them, because…I’ve hidden something too. You know why Duncan recruited me do you not?”
“You assisted Jowan’s escape from the tower” He replied, a tad icily. Her heart hurt a little, this was not starting well.
“Yes. And I stand by that decision, as I told Wynne. They would have killed him Alistair. And not in the return to the maker sense. They’d have forcefully made him tranquil. It’s exceptionally cruel, and he is my friend, and he…deserved my help”
Alistair started to object. In his view Jowan had used her, taken advantage of their friendship. She started walking then, along the shore, Alistair followed, and she cut off his objection as she began her tale.
“I was all of fourteen years old when my parents died in the Denerim alienage. I was alone, but I was ok. I could cook, sew, and garden. I didn’t know then, that I was a mage. One afternoon, I was walking to the market alone, trying to remain unnoticed. I was not paying attention, and tripped. I fell into a nobleman’s son, and tore a small hole in his tunic. He was enraged, I offered to sew it for him, and he took me back to his estate. I repaired the shirt, but he insisted it was ruined, that I owed him. He struck me so hard I blacked out.” She stopped long enough to look at Alistair, seeing he was still listening intently she continued.
“When I awoke, I was in a room. His room. I was…naked, and tied to his bed. I begged, and pleaded to go home, and he told me not until my debt was paid. It was one shirt, I didn’t understand. But he did untie me. When he left the room I tried to escape, but the door was locked from the outside. This is how I lived, for two long years. As his plaything. I thought I’d never get away. “ She stopped again, to take a moment to compose herself.
“Maker’s breath Jaina, I am so sorry…I had no idea…” He started but she silenced him again
“Let me finish, please. I have to. My last day with him, was my first day as a mage. He had come into the room, undressed and grabbed me by the hair. I struggled, even though I knew it was in vain, and would only cause me more pain. And it was, and it did. He slapped me across the face, still holding my hair and he forced my head…down. Something in me snapped I guess, my fingers started burning, and before I knew what was happening, there was this explosion and I was on my back. When I got up…I saw smoke, and Vaughn…that was his name, was struggling to his feet. The blast had broken the door down and I ran. I almost made it back to the Alienage…almost. His estate was close, and his guards…they caught me. I was taken to the chantry, and escorted by Templars to Kinloch. In a way it was a blessing, but I still was not safe. The templars…they were watching. Always.”
“That blood mage you let free at the tower, she said that too..” Alistair sad, with an edge of concern.
“Yes. We had been friends once. Before she became a blood mage. It was bad enough for the human mages, but Andraste help you if you were an elf. There were no doors on the bathing rooms. That’s how Jowan came to be my protector Alistair. A Templar, named Jared. He tried to force himself on me in the bath one evening. Jowan hit him over the head with his staff, and appointed himself my guardian from then on. I didn’t know he was a blood mage. Not until his escape. You see, I owed him…he saved me, I had to try and save him.”
“I understand love, but there’s more isn’t there?”
“Yes, there’s more. You think blood magic is evil, you’ve said it over and over. And…well” She stammered, looking in his eyes, she was scared to death this would be the last time she saw affection in those beautiful eyes.
“Alistair…I swore, noone would ever control me again the way Vaughn did. I had magic, I would embrace it, master it, and use it to protect myself. But that didn’t save me when it came to a rogue Templar. Jowan had to. If he hadn’t been there, heard my scream…” She couldn’t look at him, she couldn’t see his face when she said her next words.
“I learned blood magic” Even with her back turned, she felt rather than saw him stiffen. As she turned she saw nothing but shock and confusion on his face.
“Alistair, listen, before you judge me…please. I’ve never used it to inflict harm. Never. Not unless my very LIFE was at stake. Duncan…he told me the Grey Wardens don’t care if I’m a blood mage. Even so, I have only ever used it when I had no other choice. Only when I have little mana left, only against the darkspawn. I cannot unlearn it. It’s a part of me now. But I can, and I do..use it for good. What I need to know is…can you still love me, knowing this. Knowing now, what I am.. knowing your going to be king” She gathered the nerve to face him and turned, to see tears in his eyes.
He put his head against hers and simply said “I’m sorry”.
She was sure her heart had just shattered, that she had loved and lost. Her eyes filled with tears knowing this was the end for them, when he tilted her chin up so he could look her in the eyes.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m sorry I let the years at that chantry blind me to the possibility that blood magic could never be anything but evil. I’m sorry I kept shoving my foot in my mouth.” He said softly.
“No, Alistair I…should have told you” He put a finger to her lips.
“I love you. King or no king, I love YOU. You can’t change who, or what you are. And I don’t want you to. What I do want, is for you to know that noone, will ever…EVER hurt you again. I understand why you’ve learned what you have, and the Grey Wardens…they do whatever it takes. And I, will do whatever it takes to be with you, and protect you, and love you. I just have one favor to ask…”
Jaina smiled, for the first time that day as she asked “What is it?”
“Could you maybe make Morrigan go jump off a cliff?”
Jaina laughed as she walked into her love’s arms. So THIS was what it felt like…to be accepted, and loved for who and what you are.