Have I ever mentioned I do photography? Well I do. But I somehow can’t bring myself to say “Photographer” with an “I am a…” in front of it. Self doubt is a nasty thing.

I go into the PX almost weekly, and frequently see a guy with his little concession stand selling his framed photos. It never fails, I think to myself “I could do that” and then look at my own shots in print form and go “or not”. It’s disheartening. The idea comes out just as I imagined but the colors are blah, or the focus is off.

This is in part due to poor monitor calibration. There are tools you can invest in for this, but I never have. The other part is lenses. I’m lacking a couple key ranges in my lenses. Birds and animals tend to never be at the 250mm focal range when I’m around. Oh no. They see me and settle somewhere at the 400mm range. Or, I find that the lens I got thinking it would do, doesn’t do as well as predicted. Though that’s only the case in one of them, and it came with my camera.

The solution is simple. Get the calibration tool so what you see on your screen is what you see when it prints, get the lenses you’re lacking.

My Picture old school The follow through is the hard part. I COULD get everything I need.  I’ve taken care of every priority, I’ve done my research, I have a MILLION ideas and things I can do in my head but I can’t sort them out until I get through this wall of self doubt. The barrier erected itself just as I added everything to my virtual shopping cart on B&H Photo.

What if I’m not as good as I once thought I was? What if I’m like those people on American Idol auditions that think they’re good because family and friends told them they were awesome, only they are really bad?? What if if all the stuff people have said are really just Shmophies??

It’s not that I don’t trust my family and friends, I do! I just don’t see what they see. And that makes me doubt myself. So much so that I’ve sat here all day questioning whether or not my skill is worth the investment. Is it worth the final pieces I’d need to start doing something with this muse I’ve had rambling about in my head?

What if I get the stuff and I really do suck?

But worse, what if I don’t? Maybe I don’t shoot much here in Washington. But? What happens on that trip from here to the East Coast when I see that animal my lens won’t reach? or have that perfect print ruined by lack of proper color adjustment?

I have the will to do it. I have the ideas, and plans. I have a Do It Yourself (DIY) site saved for our new place. One that reduces the cost of studio lighting to wal mart prices. I could learn matting and framing, I could open an Etsy shop, I could rescue my self rejected shots by manipulating them in photoshop into something artsy.

But is this worth it? I may never recover the cost through the equipment.  And does that matter? Shouldn’t it be enough that I’m happy with my work and enjoying my hobby again?

What about Hubby? He’s always believed in me more than I did, but he’s also seen me lose the spark and let the gear sit here for months. What if he’s lost that belief after all this inactivity? Or would he be happy to see me passionate about it again?  I wish I could ask, but…that’s impossible at the moment.

No. I need to stop. I need to open my file cabinet and look at the paystubs from the 2 years I was selling my photos through C.I.L.M. for signature tags. People at one time DID pay for my photos.  Maybe not in the conventional sense of buying a print to hang up. But to be used in Signature tags and graphics. And Not to brag, but I made a pretty decent amount of monthly play money while I was under contract.

Why CAN’T I do that again? Why shouldn’t I invest in myself again? Why shouldn’t I replace what I had to give up a few years ago. Why should I not get the rest of the tools I need to BE what I was then?

Only one thing is holding me back. And as usual. It’s me.