There…at the end of the tunnel. Do you see that? Is that a light? Maybe. It looks like it.
It has been a long year. I spent more of it than I would have liked playing Turtle. I do that when I am well and truly stressed, and worried, and yes even depressed. I have mentioned I struggle with depression before, and during those times I pull away from everyone and everything. Except for the occasional blog post, because that is a one way conversation. I can plop down some thoughts and go hide again. From roughly November until R&R last month was the worst it has ever been.
The gray and gloom of winter in Washington did not help at all. I pulled out of WoW, I barely twittered, facebooked, hell there were days I didn’t even want to talk to my own kids, or my mother. They understand. I don’t think anyone outside this life can truly understand how terrifying this last year has been. I have said so, but most just can’t fathom it. I know I couldn’t…until it hit me right in the face.
How do you tell someone that the doorbell gives you panic attacks without them thinking you’re exaggerating? I can’t go into detail here, but let’s just say at least twice (and those are just what he told me about, heaven only knows what he didn’t), if not for the grace of God and good timing it would have been them at my door.
Until now, I didn’t really know how bad a deployment could be. I really didn’t. Our first one may have prepared me for the distance and time apart, but it didn’t prepare me for this. I can’t even explain the turmoil in those early months that was caused by the guilt I would feel at being relieved that “it wasn’t him”. And for all the good intentions, noone really could help get me through this. I was on my own, in part because that’s just how those silly chemicals in my brain work, and in part because unless you live it, you just can’t get it. Yet…I’m still here. Still standing. Less cocky than I was, but that’s probably a good thing.
Things are looking up. It’s almost over. Spring is coming, there was even sunshine here this weekend. I almost feel like I’m coming out of hibernation. I can finally say it’s almost over. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s just hope it’s not the train.
Hang in there.
.-= Dammerung´s last blog ..Taking a moment. =-.
I’m a’hangin alright, glad it’s almost over and life will be sorta normal again:)
Btw, was describing this post to the Wulfa and when she heard “doorbell panic attack” she interupted and said “Her husband is deployed?”.
Just figured I’d throw that out there to let you know that her thoughts travel down the same sort of paths when thinking about that subject.
.-= Dammerung´s last blog ..Random =-.
Awww thanks, I swear when this is over, and we move…I’m disconnecting the doorbells in our next home!
hope you feel better soon
It gets a bit better every day, and the sun is back too!
When Damm was away for basic training/AIT I had regular panic attacks. I can all to easily imagine how terrifying it could be if he were somewhere bullets were actually flying. And when he got home after his deployment it was if a gray cloud lifted, the skies cleared up, and I realized how depressed I had been.
And you’re right. You have to figure out how to get through it-talking to those who’ve been there/are there helps greatly but they’re not the ones in your head at night, alone, thinking through everything.
We are praying for your husbands continued safety and I hope you guys will be together again soon.
.-= Wulfa´s last blog ..Random =-.
Thanks Wulfa! I get the bonus gray cloud up here in WA, Ahhh to live where the sun shines! Not much longer thank goodness, last package was mailed today.