Predeployment Roller Coaster

I’d like to think, having experienced a deployment already, that I’m past this. I’d REALLY like to think that, especially since the last one had the unique experience of getting an extra few months tacked on at the very last minute. But I’m not.  I am SO not. I might be, if Mister Murphy and his Laws would take a friggin hike already. God, that guy gets in the way of everything.

Predeployment is the stage where we get things done that we really don’t want to think about, let alone prepare for. We have ONE thing left to do before we can say we are totally prepared. Yes, it’s one of those things we don’t WANT to need done, or even think about. Hubby needs a will drawn up.  It sounded easy enough. Make an appointment at Legal, get ‘er done! HA! So wrong. He tried that, they told him he needed to go to his S1 and get it done through SRP (Sustainable Range Program, basically get your shit in order). So he does that, they give him the makeup date to grab what he missed. That was today. They tell him he has to make an appointment through s1.  GAH!

I am already on pins and needles, losing my mind over stupid little things. And I do mean stupid. That’s how I work. I get all wound up and start flailing over little incidental crap. But that’s ok, because when the day he leaves arrives…I can be counted on to not be a puddle of goo hiding under my bed in the fetal position with my blankie. THAT part I can deal with, and I know it. He knows it.

The problem is Predeployment is the “what if” period. What if my oldest misses the bus home from school and I have to go out and drive on I5?? That highway scares the living shit out of me as a passenger, driving it? I have so far managed to avoid it.  What if something happens to me and I don’t know anyone to take care of my kids til my Mom can get here?? Seriously…I know noone on this post. Not a soul.  Add those two what if’s into a single situation and I’m likely to have a mild panic attack right now. Meanwhile Miss “Been there done that” is whispering in my ear that this is all within my control. I wish she’d shut up, I already know that…Just let me flail for a while ok?!

Pre-deployment is almost scarier (to me) than the actual deployment.  All my been there done that attitude doesn’t help. Why would it? You see I’m two totally different people. When Hubby is home, I can be dependent and needy.  I can and I do. I forget that that Miss Been There Done That soldiered through 12 months of deployment, and then another 3 and a half at the end. She ceases to exist, and I flop back into my comfy zone.  I forget that behind all of  Miss “Been there done that’s” bravado, I really HAVE been there, and I really DID do it.  And dammit, I totally kicked ass!  But right now?? Right now, it’s a roller coaster.

A roller coaster I’d rather not be on, but I’m securely strapped in, holding on to the bar, and ready to scream at the top of my lungs through the loops and hills. Knowing that when this ride ends, a stronger woman will get off that roller coaster. And step right on to the bigger, faster, more intimidating Deploymentmobile. And by God this time, I am getting the damned tshirt!

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