Have You Seen My Stapler?
The Balancing Act
If you look back in the category this entry is posted in, you’ll find a time or two where I struggled to balance my love of the game with Real Life. And I came up with what I thought were viable solutions. And they might have been, had I not realized a few things. Now, it’s only fair to mention my recent rethinking of these ideas came about when my 14 year old recently developed an attitude about me playing at all. This started when I decided it was okfor me to raid twice a week, and let the family either fend for themselves, or order pizza.
I was rewarded with an eyeroll from the 14 year old. To which I quite logically replied with a very good point. She gets 2 days per week off from school. Hubby gets two days per week (usually) off from Uncle Sam. Why should Mommy NOT get 2 days a week off? This is when It dawned on me, she does not see me staying at home, cooking, 
cleaning, taking care of the finances, etc as work. I very much think, at least the youngest sees it as something she’s entitled to. That ends now. Mind you I’m NOT complaining about my job. Not a bit. It’s what I want. I enjoy knowing that when Hubby comes home from work, all he has to think about is relaxing, or planning whatever he needs to do for the next day. His day never ends when he leaves “the office” for lack of a better term.
A few days later, I was running a quick heroic. And by quick I mean 20-30 minutes tops with some guildies. The phone rang, I told this same daughter to answer it, it was my mom, and I’d call her back in an hour. My Mom understands, it’s no big deal. So she does that, and then proceeds to start chattering about something she had to do on the upcoming Friday. Nothing emergent, nothing that couldn’t wait 20 minutes. So I nicely said wait until I take my headphones off. She had a fit. I ALMOST felt guily. But then I realized something. I wasn’t asking for much. I wasn’t neglecting her. She was using very bad manners. The “no talking to me when wearing headphones” should be no different than our already existing rule. No talking while I’m on the phone, or conversing with another adult. It’s called respect. A concept my kids understand most of the time, but struggle with on occasion. This was one of those occasions.
My having headphones on when she wants to tell me something that can wait 20 minutes, is no worse than her listening to her ipod so loud she doesn’t hear us asking her to go do her chores. I confronted her with the fact that we do not push ourselves into HER activities with her friends, or her conversations, or anything of the sort. She hates when I’m right, but she admitted it. I would like to pint out however, that 98% of the time I’m playing and they are home, I AM completely available. The “headphones” on times are few.
Everyone has their hobbies. And when prioritized correctly, there shouldn’t be guilt associated with them. Why then in the past was I finding myself feeling it? Because I WAS falling behind on other things. I had no routine. Having that, has brought me way more enjoyment of my hobby and my home. Here’s my typical day (times are subject to change).
1. 9:00am Wake up, have coffee!! Coffee is a must.
2. 9:05am While coffee is brewing, or first cup is cooling off, straighten up the kitchen, start the dishwasher, dust and vaccuum. 5 minutes usually. Small house!
3. 9:10am Sit down, read emails, check twitter, live journal, my RSS reader, and pop on WoW to do my fishing daily.
4. 9:30am Get another cup of coffee.
5. 9:30- 10ish am Blog
6. 11:00am Take the dogs out/clean yard
7. Noon: Log in, relaxed, and play WoW knowing I’m done for a few hours.
8. around 2:30 the first kid comes home, go AFK from WoW, check on homework, listen to hyperspeed tales from school, get ignored for boyfriend texting her, and then watch her run off to hang out with him.
9. Youngest comes in an hour later. Check on homework, listen to bus drama, watch her go play outside.
10. Turn back to WoW, clean out bags, find an inn, repair gear, log out.
11. 4:00pm Start dinner.
12. 5:00-6:00pm Eat dinner, and clean up afterwards. See hubby fall asleep on the couch, Poor guy. Oldest goes back to her boyfriend, youngest settles in at her computer or back to her friends.Then I log back in for the evening.
Thursday fend for yoursef night seems to work for hubby quite well. It’s usually by this day that working 16 hour days has caught up to him, and shortly after dinner you hear snoring from the couch. What you don’t hear is me trying to keep him awake, because I’m in Naxx. He gets a nice long nap, I get to raid, kids are off doing their thing. This works.
My whole point here, is to say don’t let yourself be guilted by your game time if you have everything else in order. I don’t know why it seems WoW players bear the brunt of this more than any other hobby. Maybe because of the negative connotations it receives by those outside the game. The too many to count stories of neglect, or addiction. Or the general “Loser” theory that non-players tend to have. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t rethink things when you legitimately feel you spend TOO much time in game, or it is having serious effects on your home relationships. God knows I’ve rethought things a few times. But I’ve come to realize what I am entitled to, what I have earned.
I am NOT “just” a stay at home mom. I am not just “mommy”. I am a woman with a hobby I enjoy, a woman who has her shit together. A woman that does several jobs wrapped up in one title, and deserves some time each day to enjoy herself, and I damned well deserve my 2 days off. Where others might use their time for crafts, or sports, or woodcarving(?) I use mine for a MMORPG. And ya know what? That is OK!
About the author
Army Wife, Mom of teenage girls, blogger, photographer and gamer. Slightly dramatic, prone to /Jessrage, and maybe a little nuts.
| Print article | This entry was posted by Lady Jess on May 18, 2009 at 11:55 am, and is filed under General. Follow any responses to this post through RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site. |
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about 1 year ago
*cheers* *waves pompoms* You tell em Jess!
I realised a while back that the only reason I was feeling guilty about playing was when I hadn’t been doing the other stuff (namely housework) first.
Now, so long as the place is straightened up at the end of the day once the kids are in bed I don’t see why I shouldn’t have that down time. It’s either that or sit on my own watching the tv night after night…
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about 1 year ago
‘I don’t know why it seems WoW players bear the brunt of this more than any other hobby.’
They don’t.
You get interrupted because people unfamiliar with the game think you are available, but you are far from alone with being made to feel guilty spending time with your hobby. You’re playing one of the most popular computer games of all time, you are hardly in a group that is misunderstood! Pencil and paper RPG players, miniature gamers and board gamers are just as frowned upon by non-gamers, and probably more so without the publicity and general acceptance that World of Warcraft has received over the years.
I am sure that there is an issue with World of Warcraft being held in lower esteem than other activities, but please don’t make such a broad generalisation suggesting that WoW players are unique in this respect. You make a good point with your post, one that is a positive call for others in the same position to feel happy with their hobby, but singling out WoW players as somehow ‘different’ from any other gamer really is not required.
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Lady Jess Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I don’t mean getting interrupted. I mean being made to feel guilt. I don’t see people that play table top RPGS being written about in the mainstream press the same way they talk about crack addicts, I’ve never heard of anyone that plays Monopoly being told when they say it in public that “ohhhh that ruins marriages”. And maybe You have never gotten to see what I refer to as the “Loser face” made at you when someone you’ve just met, and hope to get to know better finds out you play. Yet if I’d say hey, I play Scrabble…do you think I’d get the same look? Likely not. I never said we were UNIQUE, I said you SEE it more. IE: more bad press. Which is what I meant by
“Maybe because of the negative connotations it receives by those outside the game. The too many to count stories of neglect, or addiction. Or the general “Loser” theory that non-players tend to have”
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pjharvey Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I honestly didn’t mean to disparage your point, after all I think it is one worth making. But as someone who has previously personally spent a few years trying to introduce myself by apologising for playing D&D, instead of proudly saying that I enjoy playing the game, I merely take exception to your thinking that ‘WoW players bear the brunt’ of being made to feel guilty for their hobby.
Yes, I have seen the ‘loser face’, even made my people who were supposed to be close to me. I have people say things like ‘yeah, I played that before I grew up’. It hurts until you realise that those people are just being rude, which is just the excellent point that you make.
I think the problem is two-fold. First, you see more bad press because the game is so popular, because it is something that enough people would recognise and so it becomes a target. Second, you notice the flak for WoW because you are sensitive to it, whilst not quite so aware of all the negative attention other nerdy hobbies garner.
What niggles me is that you wrote ‘WoW players’, not ‘MMORPG players’, or simply ‘gamers’. I can see how you perceive all the guilt being thrown at WoW players, but believe me that it hits anyone who plays MMORPGs equally, regardless of what the press is about. When someone tries to explain what they do and at some point are asked, ‘is that like WoW?’ you can bet that they will get the same negative connotations associated with them.
But, really, I am sorry if I made my point poorly. Yes, you are right, we should not be made to feel guilty for our hobbies. We must not apologise for enjoying a simple pleasure when it doesn’t negatively effect other parts of our lives. We should be happy with what we do and promote the idea that it is good fun!
p.s. For ‘board games’, I didn’t mean the family games like Monopoly or Scrabble but the complex strategy games that generally come out of Germany, which has a whole board game industry and throws a multi-day board game convention in Essen once a year. Check out Settlers of Catan for perhaps the most famous and best introduction to the style.
[Reply]
Lady Jess Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I understand your points, and maybe I should have pointed this out…like most bloggers, I blog about things I have experience with. I’m not a gamer, not in any sense of the word. I am a WoW player. So my experience IS in fact limited to WoW. Though I did some D&D a decade or so ago (I also recall D&D being accused of satan worship). And I get very tired of being warned against ruining my marriage, or becoming a zombie. Much like D&D players get tired of the stigma levied against them.
“Where others might use their time for crafts, or sports, or woodcarving(?) I use mine for a MMORPG.”
Was meant to say others are just as devoted to their hobbies as I am to mine. When I mention my other hobby , photography I get “Ohhhh ahhh…that’s so cool!!”, mention WoW…suddenly I have a second head, I’m neglecting my family, and might try to set someone on fire…lol. MY hobby IS an MMORPG, and one that catches alot of BS from non players.
And the press? dear lord just once I’d like them to use My Little POnies” or something instead of MY game.
about 1 year ago
I’ve been a gaming for over twenty five years and at times it can be challenging to find the right balance. Those who don’t game experience this too. I have many recreational activities; Exercise, Figure competition, freelance designing, soapmaking, jewelry making, and more. Finding time for my ‘me time’ without taking time away from those important in my life was hard initially, but I got better and yes at times I had to make sacrifices and cut back on that ‘me time’.
These days I usually don’t play when my daughter is home or awake. The exceptions are when she’s working on a craft, or watching something on Nick Jr. When I’m playing WOW during those times I’m distracted so you wont’ see me in instances. I’m usually puttering around in Azeroth doing the solo thing. We’re together but doing out own thing. It’s another way that we bond. We’re being silly, but still having our ‘me time’ only difference is we choose to share the same space while we are each enjoying something we love.
Raiding had to be put on hold for myself with my Horde guild. The main reason was it started while my daughter was still awake, and it would carry over well after she was asleep so there was no way I was going to do that.
A few acquaintances have told me I spend too much time with her, and for me well there is never enough time to spend with her. She’s a cool five-year old kid, so I love hanging with her. I do hope, as she gets older, she will feel she can always come and talk to me regardless of the issue. I tell her that now. It’s kind of cute to have her confide in me the troubles she faces now. I’m hoping I’m laying the groundwork for her to always feel comfortable talking to me when it isn’t as ‘cool’ to talk and hang with your parents. I definitely won’t always agree with what she does but I’ll always listen.
I don’t want to ever feel guilty when it comes to not spending enough time with her so I make sure we do have a lot of time together and I still manage to have my ‘me time’ too. Pure win! Losing someone that was extremely special to me (her father) made me appreciate that while he was alive we did do a lot of things together so I did not have any regrets of the times we did share. I just wish he was still here. He was the one that made me realize the importance of finding that balance and not taking people for granted.
My daughter and I tend to do a lot of things together, and I have to admit in the back of my mind I do think about him. The times we shared. Yep, lots of good memories there. I want her to have those same memories about our time too. My ‘me time’ gets squeezed in throughout the week. Finding the right balance will vary depending on the person.
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about 1 year ago
I must admit I am struggling to find the right balance at the moment. If I am honest I think I have been using WoW too much as an escape from RL rather than an enjoyable hobby. Work stress, money worries, kid stress has meant that I have tended to “log off” RL and “log in” to WoW.
Problem is I leave home early and when I walk in it is homework/bath/dinner/bedtime. By the time this is finished a couple of hours later I have had enough and am looking for some time out for myself. Weekends are kids sport Saturday, maybe some socialising with friends and family. If I get a spare hour or two I like to chill out and play WoW. I am in a semi casual raid guild but I won’t run heroics or raid unless it is late at night and kids are asleep. I don’t even log into vent unless raiding. I like to think I only play when I would otherwise be watching TV. I pretty much never go out unless it is with my wife and usually the kids as well. I think I am a pretty good husband/father.
However my wife told me she wants to smash the computer. That I spend too much time on it and not with her and the kids. I talk more to strangers on the net than I do with her. And she hates the stupid game I play. I have no intention of giving up WoW any more than she has of stopping watching the reality TV shows I hate. I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong but maybe that is not others perception.
I think maybe I need to tone it down a little.
Regards
Kol
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Kappaluppa Reply:
November 9th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I’m on both sides of the coin… My now EX husband (emphasis on EX) used to play a lot, and I wanted to smash his computer too. She does have a point about you spending “quality” time with people other than her. I finally said, if I can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. And I asked the now-ex-husband to teach me how to play. He was ecstatic. I thought I’d “put up with it” so I could see where he was coming from. Turns out I like it! We got the kids involved so we could all play as a family, forming our own little guild. It was/is quite fun! Maybe you can see if they want to join in too. And it would be nice if you joined in on one of their interests.
Good part over. Bad part begins. The stereotype Jess mentioned… Well when you spend a lot of time with someone you develop a relationship of sorts. And he did. And the two little characters ran off into the sunset together. I doubt if that is typical, but its a possibility in any situation where you spend time with others in a ‘casual’ environment – no worries, no bills, no work – no problems like in RL. Maybe your friendships don’t transcend to RL and your wife has nothing to be worried about, so you think. Anything that is taking your interest and your attention away from her will make her feel insecure and “less than.” I speak from experience. My then-husband took it further and made my fears reality.
Ask her to play, maybe she just wants to watch, maybe you can tell her about some of the quirky things that happend, or great adventures. Sort of like when you tell her what went on at work. In any case, set her mind at ease. Family first.
Post script…
I started playing again just yesterday after a 6-7 month hiatus. I’m looking for a new realm because the one I play on is run by the ex. I’m really bummed to lose my character, and even more bummed that my friend (the guy who i was married to before he morphed into a jerk) and I can’t play any more. Mind your marriage.
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about 1 year ago
I love this post. I’m saddened by some of the replies, by a lot of the perceptions people have of the game vs other hobbies, by this knee jerk reaction that some people, even gamers themselves have. its a guilty little secret.
In some ways its somewhat similar of a stigma that reading romance novels used to give (still does in some people’s eyes but romance literature is mostly mainstream now). I remember how even picking one up would label you an unsatisfied woman with unrealistic relationship expectations who’s trying to cheat on her, overweight and overworked of course, husband with a book.
Maybe some day in a future, people will realize as you did that WoW is just another hobby, its not this monstrous devil and as long as you don’t neglect your family and your responsibilities – its a perfectly good hobby to have. In my personal opinion? a great deal better then watching TV for hours or hanging out in bars, overpaying for alchohol. And you know what else? people HAVE neglected their responsibilities for photography, books, sports, television, etc even work but somehow its seen as, well, not so good but mostly ok (and workaholics especially, the ones that spend most of their walking hours at the office instead of with their families – are praised for their dedication and work ethics).
And this will probably sound mean (and I’m not saying its true in every single case), but I think that people who have the most problem with those of us who are involved in our hobbies, have it out of selfish desire of having attention on them. they don’t want you to have “me time” they want it to be all about what they want. They want you to like what THEY like. WoW, DnD etc just happen to have this stigma attached to them so its much easier to use that to guilt you into thinking that you are doing something wrong.
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